Let People (Who Aren't You) Read Your Work

So this past week, my boyfriend read my completed manuscript. Now, let's take a moment to appreciate that this guy sat down one Saturday and read my entire 374-page 87,000-word manuscript in one day. Because, wow.

But after he read it, he told me some of the things that didn't sit well with him or that he didn't really like. He explained the things that he thought got in the way of the story. He also suggested a few alternatives for what could possibly happen instead. 

But you know what's funny?

Every single thing he pointed out was something with which I already had an issue. The second he would bring up a scene or chapter, I knew exactly what he was going to say. I'm not blind to the faults of my manuscript. I knew they were there long before he pointed them out.

The difference is that I had let myself become complacent. I had been working on this thing for so long and I had done about six or seven rounds of edits back to back and, frankly, I was tired of looking at it. I didn't like it anymore. I didn't like the story, my writing, certain scenes, certain characters, nothing. I was over it. I didn't want to look at it anymore. I put it aside and started writing other stuff.

Now don't get me wrong. It was absolutely the right decision to step away for a little while. I was burned out. Continuing to work on it at that point would have been unproductive and frustrating. 

But my problem is that I never let anyone else read it. I let one writer friend read about two, maybe three, non-sequential chapters and I sent the entire manuscript to another friend who hasn't actually read it yet because life gets crazy sometimes. Other than those two, I have never let anyone read this work at all. At. All. So the fact that someone was even willing to sit down and read the entire lengthy mess, much less all at once, is rather remarkable (he kind of likes me).

But because I was so frustrated with my work, I started ignoring the faults mostly because I didn't know how to fix them. It was like when you are searching for just the right word. You can think of synonyms that aren't really what you're looking for, but you just can't place the word you're trying to remember so you settle for the inferior synonym. That's how I'd become. I knew certain scenes or events were wrong, didn't fit, or weren't believable, but I didn't know what the right answer was. 

My boyfriend, because he was fresh to the project and outside of my own head, was able to look at it with a different perspective and tell me exactly what was wrong and pinpoint exactly what was causing it to be wrong. Now, to be honest, a few suggestions didn't really work, but that's not his fault. That was due to the fact that, as the author, I have knowledge of what will happen later on in the story. Because he doesn't have that information, he made a few suggestions that would not work. But for the most part, every suggestion was either perfect or sparked another idea in my head. 

I did about half the edits we discussed and it already feels so much better. Scenes that I had grown to hate because I knew they were wrong suddenly feel so much better. Obviously, I still have work to do, but his critique was far more helpful than I think he'll ever know. 

So, the moral of the story: let someone (who isn't you) read your work. 

I'm a writer, okay. I know how absurdly terrifying, nauseating, and anxiety-inducing it is to let eyes that aren't your own see your words, but trust me, it's needed. I might have never figured out how to fix those problems if he hadn't talked it over with me. Even just talking through the story made me see some holes that he hadn't noticed. 

I know it's scary, but do it. Start with just one person you trust and work from there. Try for more after that. More perspectives can't hurt. It was scary for me, but talking about my book with someone reinvigorated me about it and made me excited about it again. 

Plus, it's just fun to hear someone else talk about characters you created. It's more fun than you think.

The Book that Made Me Want to be a Writer

When people find out that I'm an English major or that I write creatively in my spare time, usually this question comes up:

So what's your favorite book/author?

And this is such a daunting question and only other readers understand just how impossible such a question is to answer. I am incapable of picking just one book or even just one author. I have a hard time even picking just one book per genre. The Hunger Games is one of my favorite books in the world, but so is Jane Eyre and those are not comparable. Throw in books like To Kill A Mockingbird, Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Pride and Prejudice, Divergent, and The Great Gatsby and you've got a mess that cannot possibly be sorted. At first I'd think I would have to pick something like Jane Eyre over something like The Hunger Games because it is a classic, but does that make THG any less important? Of course not. That discredits both books.

What I can tell you is the book that made me realize I wanted to write. I've wanted to be a writer since I was a little kid and even though I've strayed at times from that goal, the deep desire to write never left me. That passion for arranging words on paper all comes down to one pivotal book I read when I was six years old.:

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis.

C. S. Lewis is arguably one of my top three favorite authors of all time and the Narnia series certainly ranks similarly, but like I said, I can't say it is my all-time favorite. That is simply impossible. 

What I do know is that when I read that book for the first time, I was enraptured by it. All I could think was How did this man tell such a story? That was the moment that I knew I wanted to write.

Now let's remember, I was six. Writing stories back then consisted of the worst sentences you've ever read and only about four of them. But that passion persisted. Throughout elementary school I wrote short stories that were a couple of pages long. By middle school, I could rack up about ten pages. In high school I started my first novel. In college I finished my first novel and started others while also writing several short stories.

Observing what C. S. Lewis was able to do with just words was astounding. Now, I am in no way comparing myself to him because I think the world of Lewis. Words cannot really express how much I love his writing. But reading Narnia showed me the potential that words can have in the right order, under the right hand. 

So can I accurately say that C. S. Lewis is my favorite author? No, I have too many. Can I say that Narnia is my favorite book? Of course not, I could never choose just one. But Narnia will always be close to my heart not just as merely one of my favorites, but as the book that showed me how powerful storytelling can be. Lewis showed me the magical power a simple lamppost can have. Lewis showed me how long a book can stick in your mind, something I'm reminded of every time I check a closet for tree branches and snow. Lewis showed me that good writing is a kind of magic in and of itself and it is unlike anything else.

So what is that book for you? What is that book that really impressed you and made you consider writing? I'd love to hear it in the comments!

You, The Author, Controls the Story (Also, Losing Writing Sucks)

So this post is kind of two-fold. Let's start with the first fold (see what I did there? I'm sorry...).

So this past week, I experienced every writer's worst fear: some of my WIP manuscript was corrupted and I lost over 2,500 words. My computer had some weird meltdown and I had to force close and when I restarted, Scrivener had lost the most recent scene I had written.

(Let's be clear. I emailed Scrivener support and they were wonderful, but unfortunately, the problem couldn't be fixed. Not their fault, but still devastating.)

So what did I do? Well, like any mature adult, I took notes from my computer and also had a full on meltdown. I was gloomy the rest of the day, moped well into the next, and then desperately googled any solutions I could find, but none worked.

The good news: I could reproduce the last 500 words or so from memory because I wrote them so recently. I also remembered that I wrote about 600 by hand and I still had the paper, so I could perfectly redo that part as well.

The bad news: I couldn't for the life of me remember how the scene started. I could remember parts of it, but not nearly all 1,400 words. It bothered me not being able to remember the scene, let alone the exact words I used. I whined and complained about that to my boyfriend and like the encouraging, supportive person he is, he said to me, "It may not be exactly what you wrote before, but it will still be good because you are a good writer. If you need time to vent, then vent. But then you can redo it."

Now, I was grouchy when he said this, but his words weren't lost on me. That was probably the best thing anyone could have said to a writer who just lost 2,500 words of writing. (Side note: He's pretty wonderful all the time.)

But that was still a hard concept for me to accept. I have a pretty good memory, even photographic at times, so not being able to reproduce the words exactly as they were bugs me. I can read a sentence, know that the words are not identical to before, but still not be able to remember them. And I hate that. 

And here's where we transition into the second fold (again, sorry). I promise the two are related.

I have a really hard time taking helpful criticism from people for one specific reason: I don't like when people suggest big changes. Tell me that you think the dialogue would sound better this way, fine. Tell me I didn't describe the setting at all, we're cool. But tell me to change a character's name or change their actions in a scene, and I will bristle. I know that sounds weird so hear me out.

I once saw a quote that said something along the lines of writers don't control characters, they just follow them with a pen and write down what happens (please comment if you know what quote I'm talking about, I can't find it). I've always kind of operated under this philosophy. The characters have become so real to me that I often forget that I created them, that I control them. 

Now, that's not to say that I don't experience that thing that many writers describe where the scene you intend to write morphs entirely because the characters basically gave you the middle finger and did whatever they wanted (okay, I definitely sound crazy). 

But I constantly have to remind myself that I do have some control over what words appear on the page. So maybe I can't reproduce the lost scene exactly the way it was (and I'm still kind of grumpy about that, even though I have since redone it). And maybe I have to change actions I don't want to change because they don't fit the story. At some point, I have to trust what my boyfriend said, that I am a good writer, and that I can, in fact, manipulate the story to make it the best it can be. It's not always easy, but it's worth it.

The Importance of Writer Friends

Confession time: I don't like making new friends.

That doesn't mean I'm not good at it. I'm actually pretty good at making friends. It's easy for me to strike up conversation with people. I'm skilled at making fast friends.

But I don't like it. 

I have fantastic friends. I really do. I have wonderful, fun, supportive, caring friends. I'm happy with them. I don't ever feel like I need new ones. But there is one problem.

For the most part, they don't write.

Now I don't say that to criticize my friends. As I've said, they're fantastic. But there's something to be said for having friends who share your interests, studies, and goals. 

I recently adjusted my college course plan to include an English major with a concentration in creative writing and I couldn't be happier with my decision. My classes consist of a few literature classes and a few writing classes and I love it. Finally, my school work is intended to prepare me for what I absolutely love to do. 

But by far the best part of the new classes is the students. Everyone around me has the same goal. We all write. We all hope to get published. We all enjoy reading and writing and don't consider any one work to be better than another. It is only my second week of classes, and I've already had so many good conversations about books, about writing, about publishing, about all of it. These people get it. These people get me.

Before now, I had one friend who is a serious writer and she is amazing. What's even more amazing is now I have multiple friends like her. 

I may have amazing friends who are supportive, but as a writer, there is nothing more valuable than having writer friends. Seek out those writer friends, even if you hate making friends. You will not regret it.

KMG

Never Delete Anything and Never Give Up

Hey everyone! 

So I realize it's been a while since I last posted. Summer turned out to be busier than I thought. My summer classes turned out to be much more intense than I thought they would be, I've been trying to do a lot of writing, and I've been querying, not to mention my personal activities, where I've been trying to make the most of the summer before it passes me by!

Basically, I've been super busy not only this summer, but trying to get everything ready for the fall semester, when I start my English major. Unfortunately, blogging fell by the wayside, but now I'm back!

So let's talk about how things are on the writing front. Near the end of my spring semester (April?) I started work on a new manuscript. For the sake of clarity, let's call this one manuscript #3. I had stalled with the first story I started writing after my completed manuscript (we'll call this one manuscript #2) and this new idea came to me out of nowhere. As it always is when a story is fresh, I couldn't write fast enough to keep up with my mind. As summer started, I found myself with 10,000 words of a new story just like that. That is about 1/5 of a completed young adult book! I was so exhilarated by manuscript #3 and so frustrated with manuscript #2 that I basically just gave up on #2 and decided it wasn't meant to be. I've read a lot of information from published authors about how sometimes they write, or begin to write, a new manuscript and find that it just isn't right. And that's okay. 

So I accepted that that must be what happened. I was okay with it. It happens. So I focused on the new one, #3, and on everything I else I've been up to this summer. 

But like all new things, the writing fervor I was experiencing on #3 died out. I don't mean to say that I've given up on it as well, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. I am still working on it and I'm very happy with where it's going. I think this is going to be a good one. 

But that old one, #2, the one I gave up on, is bugging me. Lately, I can't get it out of my head. It's begging to be written and it's getting harder and harder to ignore it. I looked at it again. I only have about 7,000 words. I thought I had written more than that. I tried to write and couldn't come up with a single word. I got frustrated, growled at the computer, then gave up and ran back into the comfortable embrace of #3. 

But #2 is still bugging me. I whined about it to my mom and my boyfriend, and while I complained, I realized something so stupidly obvious, I feel ridiculous for saying this. My first (completed) manuscript was so hard to write. Was it hard because it was my first? Certainly. Was it hard because I had wanted to give this story words for so long so I felt pressure? Of course. Was it hard because it was fantasy and required special considerations while writing it? Definitely. But I persevered because I knew it had to be written. Even if it never gets published (even though I really hope it does), I'm glad it's written.

I think if I was meant to give up on #2 now, it wouldn't still be bugging me. I think I would have long ago forgotten about it and not worried about it. But it's pestering me because it deserves to be written. It's an interesting story, I think, and I want to see it through.

Is it going to be hard? Oh, most certainly. But I think it will be worth it. And in the meantime, when I get frustrated with it, I still have #3 to work on as well. I hope to finish #3 within the next couple of months, based on the pace at which I'm writing. 

All of this to say that I never deleted #2. I still have it on Scrivener, and I'm so glad. If I had deleted it, I would have to start all over and that would be nearly impossible. Now I already have 7,000 words and an outline to go off of.

So here's my point. Don't delete anything and don't give up on anything just because it's hard. See it through. I'm going to start trying to take that advice myself. 

<3 KMG

On Protagonists Who Act Their Age and Readers Who Don't Like That

If there's one thing I can't stand about the literary world, it's bad reviews.

Now let me be clear. You, as a reader, are absolutely free to give a book a bad review. If you genuinely did not like a book, you are free to express that opinion in a non hateful way.

My issue is when you give a book a bad review because you don't understand literature.

Let me give you an example, which also happens to be the thing that made me want to write this post. I recently finished a book (and for the sake of the author and the reviewer, I won't say what the book was) that I absolutely loved. It was part of a series that is one of my favorites and this book lived up to the glory of its predecessors. I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

So, my first step upon completing the book was to freak out about the cliffhanger to add it to my "read" list on GoodReads. I happily added the book, gave it five stars, and was pleased to find that the average rating was about four and a half stars. Good. That book deserves it.

My mistake came when I scrolled down and started reading reviews.

The first review on the page gave the book one star. I was horrified, but curious. What could have provoked this person to give such a great book such a terrible review? I started to skim the review, but the more I read, the angrier I got.

The gist of it is that the reviewer did not like the main character. He thought she was bratty, selfish, immature, mean, and a million other things. Which is fine. You know why? She was supposed to be.

The whole point of that story was that she was self-centered and immature. That's what made the story so compelling. 

The point of the protagonist is not the be the perfect example of good character and likability. The point of the protagonist, or any character for that matter, is to feel real. If characters fall flat, the book suffers, no matter how good the story is. Real and relatable characters make all the difference in storytelling.

So yes, the reviewer is right that she was kind of bratty and very self-centered, and a little annoying sometimes with how immature she was. But here's the thing: She's eighteen. She's facing challenges that are beyond what an eighteen year old should have to deal with. 

I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a teenager who isn't a little selfish and immature.

Somewhere along the line, the notion that protagonists had to be 100% likable 100% of the time became popular, and frankly, I think it does literature a disservice. Some of the best books I've ever read have had protagonists who have made me actually yell at the protagonist for being stupid, annoying, selfish, rash, heartless, or a million other things. They have frustrated me, annoyed me, angered me, and, usually, in the end won me over. 

And that's a sign of really good writing. If this author really inspired this much anger and hatred in this reviewer, then clearly she is an excellent writer. 

Again, I don't say any of this to criticize the reviewer, but honestly, I kind of like when a character inspires that much emotion in me, even if it is annoyance. It means they're doing their job.

Avoiding the Editing Burn Out

So the past few weeks have been super crazy. I finished up my most intense semester of college yet, went out of town for a week, then immediately came home with a massive to-do list.

Let's keep in mind that most of my to-do list is fun stuff, but it is still overwhelming. 

I am currently about 2/3 of the way through what I'm hoping is my last round of edits of my completed manuscript before I start submitting (excuse me while I have a panic attack). I am about a third of the way through reading my friend's debut novel (shoutout to the lovely K.E. Ormsbee on the release of The Water and the Wild!). I have another book already on my Kindle waiting to be read. I have a list on GoodReads of so so so many books that I want to read. I have a short story that I never finished writing from like a year ago. I have two in progress manuscripts that I want to keep working on so I don't lose momentum. I also have two online college classes to do. 

And this list doesn't even include all the random day-to-day stuff that I need to do.
 My goal is to finish editing completed manuscript by the end of May so I can start querying in June.

All of this to say that, basically, I burned out. Not a total oh-my-goodness-I-can't-even-function-in-life-anymore burn out, but an editing burn out (Side note: this has totally happened to me before). I reached a point where I just didn't want to edit anymore. Some people prefer the editing phase of writing, but others, like me, prefer the actual writing (word vomit) stage. I like putting words on paper. That's the easy part. Making them sound good is much harder for me.

So, basically, when I first started editing, I lived in this state of denial for an embarrassing length of time:

(Except that my novel is a fantasy novel... hahaha puns)

I knew that I needed to edit, but I didn't want to because I was afraid of the challenge it presented. I edited on my own for a long time before I ever let anyone look at it, and even then, I only let one person see it (I have since given 2 people access to the entire thing and 1 person access to pieces of it. Hey, progress is progress, don't judge me). 

I then got really motivated to edit so that it could be the best I could make it in hopes of getting it published. I went through several drafts before finally printing it (see my post about printing the manuscript). 

Printing it brought it's own form of encouragement, but I still experienced an editing burn out. I got so tired of editing, of reading the same scenes over and over because I just can't seem to get them right, of catching weird timeline inconsistencies, and OH MY GOSH I CHANGED THAT CHARACTER'S NAME AND IT RUINED MY LIFE BECAUSE I KEEP FINDING THE OLD VERSION 6 DRAFTS LATER. 

Then I had a mini (okay fine, it was major) crisis moment and despaired in full on drama queen mode and it went a little something like this:

(Fun fact: I don't even drink coffee... This is just my natural state)

But then I took a deep breath, I put the manuscript down, and I picked up a novel and read. I revisited some of my favorite writing related blogs. I wrote a few scenes on my in progress manuscripts. I relaxed. 

Then I came back to the manuscript rejuvenated. I remembered why I wanted to edit this in the first place. I want to send it out. I hope to get it published. I want to be able to let my friends read it without wanting to crawl into a hole and die of embarrassment.

And I want the story to be the best it can be. I want to do the story and the characters justice. After all the years that my MC Jade has spent screaming in my head for me to write her story down, she deserves that much. 

So yes, editing is not my favorite part of the writing process by any means, but it feels really cool to read a scene you've read a million times only to find that it has a new kind of magic to it because of something you changed during editing. It feels like life has been injected into your writing and it's fun. 

Editing is hard and sometimes not fun at all, but when you see the evidence of your hard work, it feels really awesome. And of course, if I am lucky enough to become a published author, much more editing is in my future, so I've learned to love it and what it can accomplish. 

I Printed My Manuscript (Alternatively, The Best Decision I've Ever Made)

So... I did something a little crazy...

I have read several times that you should print out your manuscript at some point during the editing process. Many people say this helps because the words look different on paper and it forces you to slow down and really focus on the words, which is hard to do on a computer screen. 

So I did. I printed my manuscript. 

You guys... Printing this thing out did SO much more for me than just forcing me to slow down when I read.

Here it is.... I got it printed professionally, mostly because I didn't want to wait for 372 pages to print (and yes, it is 372 pages... cue squeals of glee), and because they bind it when you print professionally. I don't exactly have a stapler that goes through that much paper. 

So there it is. Isn't that cool? (By the way, the formatting of that first page is courtesy of Scrivener's manuscript compiling formatting... it's the best). 

Here it is from a cool, artsy diagonal angle. You can now appreciate the really nice binding the print shop put on it for me.

So pretty exciting right? Just you wait, it gets cooler...

Here it is from the side.

Y'ALL. Look how FREAKING THICK it is! It's so huge! When I picked it up at the print shop, the first thing I said when they put it on the counter was, "Oh my goodness, that is so much bigger than I thought it was." 

So I haven't actually started editing it yet, but I have flipped through it casually and noticed errors that I didn't catch in the first 4 read throughs. So, the good news is that printing it out really does work.

The BETTER news is that it's a FREAKING BOOK. Intellectually, I knew that my novel was 83,700 words (which is conveniently printed on the first page). I knew that when I exported it from Scrivener to Word that it amounted to about 372 pages. But seeing how much paper that amounts to is the craziest feeling in the world. The first time I flipped through it, I actually teared up from the overwhelming excitement. There's something very satisfying about holding 372 pieces of paper with words on it in your hand and being able to say, "I wrote every single word on every page of this." 

(I also may or may not be obsessively staring at it 24/7 now... but that's a whole other personal issue...)

If I ever needed encouragement to finish editing this so I can send it out (and believe me, sometimes I do need it), then gosh darn it, printing the bad boy out was the way to do it. Seeing the sheer size of the thing made me so ecstatically happy.

If you're in the editing process, print the thing out. Seriously, just do it. That's all I have to say.

Also, scroll back up and look at my book again. Just because you can. It's not like I'm obsessed with it or anything. 

KMG

Pushy Protagonists (And How to Silence Them)

Ok, so this blog post is going to basically just be a rant, more or less. Just giving you a fair warning before I babble on senselessly, trying to make a point. Bear with me, I have something to say, I promise.

So, recently I developed another story idea that I'm pretty excited about. It's not perfectly worked out yet, but the basic plot points are coming together and I've already written a rough first two chapters. Starting a new story is always fun because you never know where it's going to lead. It's so fascinating to watch a story develop before your eyes as your hands type furiously, trying to keep up with the brainstorming (at least in the early stages). 

Where things get complicated, at least for me, is learning the voice of this new protagonist. Every time I try to work on something that isn't my already completed manuscript, I get really lost trying to find the voice. I prefer first person narratives because I like to hear the thoughts of the protagonist. I like to struggle with their thoughts and perceptions along with them. It's one of my favorite aspects of books, so I try to replicate that.

But learning a new voice is hard. The protagonist of my completed manuscript (her name is Jade) was easy to write, to an extent. I had had the idea for so many years that it was like she was a close, personal friend. I knew her well. I knew exactly how she would react to anything. The struggles I had writing that manuscript never had anything to do with Jade's personality or her voice. That was the one thing I never had a problem with. When I would work on that story, it was like Jade took control of my thoughts so that my thoughts and opinions synced with hers. Often, I would write for hours straight, getting thousands of words onto the page, only to later read it, Jade in my head, and think "Jade, what on earth were you thinking?" 

And I liked that. It was easy. Even if I didn't agree with Jade's decisions (and I often don't), I understood them. I knew them. I never had to wonder, "What would Jade do?" or "How would Jade react to this situation?" So while I struggled with other aspects of the storytelling itself, I never had to worry about Jade's voice.

All that to say that now, whatever character I come up with at this point, I struggle to find their voice. I might know exactly how I want them to come across (i.e. shy, bold, flirty, sarcastic, etc.), but actually putting that into words is much harder than it sounds. I feel like I don't know this new character well enough to write like I'm inside her head. 

But you know what's cool? Learning a new character is exciting. It's like making a new friend that quickly becomes a best friend. You get to discover her opinions, beliefs, quirks, and personality as you go. The more I write, the more I get to know her.

This happened to me once before. I tried to write a story but couldn't for the life of me get the hang of the protagonist's voice. I knew exactly how I wanted him to come across, but I just couldn't get inside his head, couldn't think like him. I unofficially gave up on it and left the six or so chapters I had completed just sit idle on my computer. Maybe I'll come back to it at some point and try again.

But I think that I just didn't write consistently enough to learn him. I need to spend time with my characters to learn them, just like I would with any person. You have to be around someone a lot to truly understand them. I think the reason that this current manuscript is going so much better in that regard is that I wrote about 4,000 words in one sitting, and by the end of it, I felt like I had a much better grasp on the protagonist's voice than I did at the beginning. I spent the time with her. I learned her brain.

Now that's not to say that Jade doesn't still linger in my head. It's hard for me to write a situation and not think "If this happened to Jade, she would totally do ___." And maybe it will always be that way. I think Jade will always hold a special place in my mind because she was my first protagonist. But the more I write other characters consistently, the easier it gets to differentiate between the current protagonist's reactions and Jade's. Jade's thoughts still pop into my head, but I can more easily push them aside and consider a different point of view.

So all that to say that if you too have a very pushy first protagonist, the solution is to write a lot and often in a different voice. Pick an idea that you have and learn that character consistently. Eventually you will come to know him/her really well and you'll be able to get inside their head. By the end of that 4,000 words, it became easier to think more like the protagonist and less like Jade. 

Additional tip: tell your pushy protagonist to shove it.

KMG

How I Horrified and Encouraged Myself With My Own Writing

So I found my old laptop the other day and decided to see if it still works. Maybe I could put it to use or do something with it. I turned it on and scanned through the documents saved on the hard drive to make sure I had transferred everything I wanted from it to my new computer (let it be known that I got my new laptop December 2012). Because it's been about two years since I last used that computer, the files on it were outdated to say the least. I found the old Microsoft Word file of my manuscript that is now completed and giggled to myself (I have since transferred over to the magnificent Scrivener). I decided to read what little I had back then and see how my editing had improved it.

Let me just say that I was not prepared for what I read.

I actually laughed out loud at parts of it. I cringed at the beginning and how awful it was. I shook my head at some of the stuff I have since cut from the story and don't even get me started on the stuff I changed.

The point here is that in the past two years, I've done a heck of a lot of editing. Sometimes it feels like I haven't accomplished anything in the way of editing. I'm on my fourth draft of editing and I often feel like I should be on like draft ten by now. School is busy, life gets crazy, and I just don't get as much editing done as I'd like (summer, come faster). 

But reading that two year old draft put things in perspective for me. I realize now that I actually have gotten a lot done. Even though I may not be as far in the process as I wish I was, I'm still pretty darn far, and I lost sight of that. Reading that horrifying two year old work-in-progress made me realize how much I really have accomplished in the last two years.

It also showed how much better my writing has gotten. A few parts (a very, very few parts) were basically the same, but the writing itself was just SO much better. My overall writing skill and storytelling is so much better than it was. Of course, I still want to improve it, but it's come a long way. 

So if you ever want a good laugh, read your super old writing. It's horrifying, but in a totally good way.

Why I Don't Care What People Think (And How)

Happy New Year!

Okay, so I'm a little late. Christmas break caught me totally by surprise and blogging, unfortunately, was not a priority. I was busy applying to graduate school, spending time with family, and, of course, writing! But it's a new year and I'm back to blogging.

I was actually struggling with what to write about, but then someone gave me a topic without meaning to.

Since I am graduating this spring (!!!), I have been meeting with different faculty members in my department to make sure I'm on track and getting everything done that I need to get done before then, and one particular faculty member said something interesting. 

I was meeting with her to make sure the online degree progress tracking application wasn't doing crazy things (it was doing crazy things, but that doesn't affect my graduation, thank goodness), and she asked about my current plans. The conversation went a little something like this:

Professor: So what do you plan to do after you graduate?

Me: I actually just finished applying to graduate school.

Professor: Excellent. Based on your grades, I don't think you should have any trouble getting in to graduate school. Did you apply for political science or history (my two majors)?

Me: Actually neither. I applied for creative writing.

Professor: .........Oh. I don't know anything about that department. Well if and when you don't get in, feel free to come back to me and we can talk about some other career options.

Ouch, right? I can't say that I wasn't a little miffed. I know she probably meant well and was trying to be helpful, but she admitted that she didn't know anything about that department (since she is a history professor), and she still insinuated that I had little to no chance of getting in. 

Which I think is especially rich, since she claimed I would have no problem in a different department. But I digress...

So she definitely ticked me off. I don't deny that. But it didn't upset me nearly as much as I thought it would or as much as my parents thought it would. I walked out of her office thinking "that was a jerk move" rather than totally being shaken and freaking out. The old me, the me that was a reality just a year ago, would have had a complete panic attack. 

But I didn't have a complete panic attack. Why not? Well, I'll tell you.

I didn't freak out because failure isn't an option for me. When I really want to do something, nothing will stop me from achieving it. Some may call it passion, some may call it stubbornness, but either way, I can't be stopped once I commit. A year ago (and every year before that), I hadn't committed to anything. I couldn't. I had no idea what I wanted out of life or what I wanted to do. And that caused a lot of paralyzing fear. So someone basically telling me that I most likely won't succeed would usually shake me up.

But it didn't, because I'm not worried. I'm fairly confident in my ability to get into grad school. That professor hasn't read my writing sample, but I have, and I know it's good. She doesn't know about my dedication to writing, but I know that I write at least 1500+ words a day (often more). She actually knows nothing about me other than my history major GPA. 

And even if I don't get into grad school, there are other ways to achieve my goals. I can always apply again next year and just take some time off to write. Grad school is just one road to where I'm going, but it isn't the only one.

Now before you think that this professor is a completely awful human being, let me just say that she totally isn't. She has actually been extraordinarily helpful in many other ways. This just isn't her area. She was trying to be helpful and let me know that I have other options in case this one fails, but she has no way of knowing how dedicated I am to pursuing writing. And that's ok, because she's not a writing professor.

So if she had said that to me a year ago when I was considering grad school for something I didn't care as much about and was really uncertain about pretty much everything, I probably would have had a total meltdown. But she didn't say it then. She said it now. And right now, I've never been more sure about anything in my life. 

So what I'm trying to say here is that if you really want it, no one will be able to stop you. Countless people tried to deter my sister from being a lawyer for a medley of reasons, but she didn't let it stop her because it's what she really wanted. She was able to push on in spite of opposition because she was passionate about what she was doing.

Now, I'm in no way comparing this to what my sister faced because people were outright nasty to her at times, but we certainly share the same stubbornness, and sometimes stubbornness is a good thing. It keeps you on track when other people, whether intentionally or not, try to derail you.

So even though this professor ticked me off and I definitely ranted about it to my parents later, I'm not discouraged, and I'm not giving up. This is what I really want. And after nearly twenty years of being completely confused about what I want to do, I won't be deterred now. Far be it from me to let someone stop me now.